Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
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Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.