Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
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[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.