*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
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caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.