My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
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Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
nobody’s gonna understand
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”