Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
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CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.