Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
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All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
The only equipped I am is ill.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know