DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
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The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.