God has left this place
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My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it