We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
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Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.