Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
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Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs