People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
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Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.