[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
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*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!