Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
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The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
My whole life was a lie.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.