I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
You Might Also Like
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
good for her
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..