asking santa clause for nudes
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Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
I’m putting together a team
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean