My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
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Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I hope it’s French Onion!
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.