In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
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I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
love it when they get my name right
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.