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Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok