When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
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“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
The Punning Dead.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money