Accurate
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Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.