*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
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a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
this was the best i’ve ever seen
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times