People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
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My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us