[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
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You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Husband of the year 😂
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
absolute chaos
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal