Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
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Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Worst bar ever.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.