My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
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When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Good morning!
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.