You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
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GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
The French word for sex is croissant.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever