Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
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If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
How high do the levels go?
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
True.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.