WTF
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Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.