Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
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EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
LOL
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
#merica
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Doing math together is known as fourplay.