Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
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*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
asking santa clause for nudes
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*