Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
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The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
ugh not again
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.