Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
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I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
The Friday File.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
No. He’s not coming out to play
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Omg 🤣
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
😎 🍻
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits