My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
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People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Thank you corporation very cool
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again