I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
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I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.