My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
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When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful