[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
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I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea