We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
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best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Day 2 of my diet
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share