I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
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[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Wikigenius
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.