Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
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I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo