I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
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My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
me linking you to my twitter
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”