REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
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My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)