[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
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My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.