Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
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*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
A wise man once said nothing.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.