Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
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Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
A choir of Spring onions
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Dead
Alive
Other✔
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.