Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
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Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What