It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
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I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me