Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
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[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.