I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
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If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Same pineapple, same
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.