My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
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Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking