Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
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{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
This 4th of July, please remember…
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club